Communication problems in relationships play a role in the end of many relationships. The communication problems are the result of various factors, including malpractice of the mouth.
Here you will find a simple, three part formula to improve communication with any relationship when there is a problem. If you are in a marriage, relationship with anyone or have to work with people, this will improve your communication.
Think of this a a formula of how to communicate when facing a heightened emotional state.
Communication Problems in Relationships: The Solution
Communication problems occur in two basic ways, saying what you should not and not saying what you should or in the way you should. This formula applies to prevent both types of communication failure.
This is a simple formula to communicate when there is a problem. Follow it and you will never go wrong. I have used it as a charge nurse, as an Assistant Director of Nursing and as a husband. And, although I taught it to my wife, have had it effectively used on me.
Resolution of Problems in Communication
The failure of communication can happen in many ways. This formula works when either a admirable action or a problem behavior of another affects us.
Simply saying...When You...I Feel...I Need...formula works in almost any scenario. The three part message technique is based on the work of Thomas Gordon.
Each of the three parts needs to be filled with something that is observable and verifiable.
Using The Three Part Message
One message, several benefits.
It provides a framework that helps facilitate assertive message.
It provides a way to communicate about matters that could be uncomfortable without malpractice of the mouth.
It allows a way to constructively comment on problems.
It allows a way to constructively build on positive actions and behaviors.
1. When You
Be objective. Identify a behavior, action or pattern notable in the person you want to communicate with.
This should be used for both actions and behaviors that are undesirable as well as desirable.
Avoid any accusations, or judgments. It has to be verifiable.
Using accusations, judgmental language or tone is malpractice of the mouth. You would not want to say...when you behave like…you never or you always because these are not verifiable.
2. I Feel
This requires some soul searching. It requires looking within and discovering exactly what is being felt.
State this mater of factly and not emotionally.
Avoid saying...you make me...as nobody can make you do anything you do not choose to. Saying...you make me mad...communicates that the other person has the power to decide which emotion you feel. You may get mad. But is that the real emotion you feel?
Describe how the behavior makes you feel.
3. I Need (If speaking to a child...use Because instead of I Need)
Introduce the desired action you need to pursue peace. Or introduce the desired action you wish to continue.
A child takes the trash out with out having to nag them, your comment would be...When you take the trash out it make me very happy because it is a very responsible action.
Note that especially with children and adult children of alcoholics it is essential not to compliment the person, rather the action. If you compliment the person, the next time the person fails, in their mind, they may view themselves as a failure.
Using the When You, I Feel, I Need or the When You, I Feel, Because formula, you will be empowered to overcome communication problems in relationships.